Wednesday, June 2, 2010
The Power of Politeness
I feel very strongly that there is great value in propagating the use of social conventions such as using the "magic words". My adherence to the use of these “silly” words is rooted in my belief that words really are magical. Words have power: latent, raw, mystic power. It is this power that fuels self-fulfilling prophecies and predictions (positive as well as negative). When we incorporate these silly words into our everyday vernacular, we improve the chance that their sentiment will be imbued in our daily interpersonal interactions and become a part of our paradigms. Some argue that using these words do give you the power to "manipulate the responses" of people whose values are rooted in the Canadian culture. We are a proudly polite (and some other cultures might argue pretentiously polite) people. We love that about ourselves and I for one hope that we never let this virtue be taken away from us. When you employ these social contrivances you tell other people that you have enough respect for them and empathy for them as fellow human beings to adhere to these somewhat cumbersome conventions. And when my two year old son tells the bakery lady at Safeway "tah tu", he has just manage to earn huge social currency in that interpersonal interaction; social currency that will earn large dividends someday when he interacts with other "more traditional elders" who hold the balance of power in our society. Is this why we do it? Hopefully not. But it sure is a nice perk. In this age of globalization we have to decide which uniquely Canadian qualities we want to keep and defend. I believe that our adherence to this Canadian value is one of our great gifts to the world and all of the other cultures that come to be part of our great experiment. Pleases and thank yous are important. Magic words are magical after all.
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Retard. What do think and/or feel when you hear that word? Words, on their own do not have power. The spirit behind the words has power. If you believe, in your spirit (spirit=thoughts, feelings, beliefs) that the word "retard" has negative connotations, then it has the power to conjure up negative thoughts and feelings. Communication is only about 10% words and 90% tone of voice and body language. My tone of voice and body language come from my spirit.
ReplyDeleteSo, if you believe the word "please" has power, then for you it does. Many children believe the word please has power and will use it to manipulate others to do what they want. "Dad, he's not giving it to me! I said please!"
If we teach children to use words like “please” and “thank you” we also need to teach them why they should be use: it shows respect to the other person. However, if all Johnny is concerned about is getting what he wants, using the right words is still not respectful; he doesn’t mean it. We can coerce children to use the right words, but we cannot coerce them to be respectful.
One of the greatest teaching tools we have is modeling. When we model respect, students learn respect. It may also be good to supplement our modeling with overt teaching!
The spirit behind the words holds the power, not the words themselves! So, what kind of spirit do you sense from the words I have written?
Thanks for chipping in again Tim.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of parts that I'm having trouble with:
1)"What do think and/or feel when you hear that word?" I'm not sure how much malice and marginalization that you felt in your heart as keyed in that word in your post but I literally felt a twinge of repulsion and sadness in my guts each time I read it."So, if you believe the word "please" has power, then for you it does." The problem that I have with this arguement is that communication is not just a transmission. If the word has meaning for the recipient and it is missing from the discourse then the point is not whether or not it has meaning for you the transmitter. So words have power when they are used and when they are not used because the power of words come in the transmission of the message as well as the decoding of it.
2)"Many children believe the word please has power and will use it to manipulate others to do what they want." The presence of this misconception is the product of bad, indulgent parenting. There is another magic word that I often use with my children. It is "No". Asking for a something politely does not guarantee that you will get it. Demanding something impolitely does not guarantee that you won't get it either. And if your parents don't teach you this, life will very quickly.
3)"We can coerce children to use the right words, but we cannot coerce them to be respectful." Part of the argument in my initial post is that words have latent power. You are correct that we cannot force anyone to embrace our values. But when we make these words part of their colloquial daily vernacular, the sentiment of these words have the potential of permeating into the other aspects of the user's lives. Oprah Winfrey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0wYxh-akZs) talks about consciously focusing thought and language to make your own reality but I believe that thought and language shapes your reality whether you intend it to or not.
4) "When we model respect, students learn respect." While respect is a large part of this discussion, it is not the only significant consideration. Using these social conventions with people who are, shall I say, "culturally" Canadian tells them that you are a part of their cultural group and value the same things that they do. I believe that it is human nature to be more generous with someone who has more in common with you than with someone who on the surface does not seem to share any common values with you. It's superficial, I know, but I strongly suspect that the adherence to social conventions is one of the "markers" that we use when we decide which schema we should apply to each social interaction that we have.
1) Did you feel repulsion about my comment or about the word "retard"?
ReplyDelete2, 3, 4) Let me give a personal example of what I mean by "the spirit behind the words holds the power". I have not taught my Grade 4 class to use the words "please" and "thank you". I have taught and modelled respect. Now, my students often say "please" and "thank you" because it is an overflow from their hearts. They are truly thankful and do truly want to please me because we respect each other; so they use the words that help them explain what they want to communicate. I'm not against teaching children to say please and thank you, I just want them to mean it. My own children are also an example of this: we don't insist that they say the magic words, but recently I was pleasantly surprised when all of my offspring showed tremendous politeness when we were visiting neighbours; and they used the magic words! I believe they used those words because they wanted to be polite to our hosts.
"It's superficial, I know, but I strongly suspect that the adherence to social conventions is one of the "markers" that we use when we decide which schema we should apply to each social interaction that we have."
ReplyDeleteGrowing up mostly in Canada I was always proud that the 'culture' of Canada is a mosaic, one that embraces all different kinds of social groups (along with the tolerance of their unique conventions). I am not convinced there is a clear enough (or old enough) set of unlegislated Canadian conventions. I mostly have a problem with and 'insistence' to the performance of these conventions when the 'spirit' of respect is clearly expressed through body language, tone of voice, patience and in some cases even bravery. These conventions are usually over looked by an ignorant(not negative) cultural group and when such effort has been exerted on their part I prefer to be gracious (that is my basic schema)than to insist on any conventions that are not woven into the thread of their mosaic section. I believe THAT graciousness should become a convention that Canadians should adopt.
I would hope to be offered the same graciousness when I overlook their social or even moral or religious conventions in my attempts to develop relationships with them as fellow Canadians.
I love this buddhist 'middle way' concept I found
-taken from wikipedia-
"The Buddha described conventions — whether linguistic, social, political, moral, ethical, or even religious — as arising dependent on specific conditions. According to his paradigm, when conventions are considered absolute realities, they contribute to dogmatism, which in turn leads to conflict. This does not mean that conventions should be absolutely ignored as unreal and therefore useless. Instead, according to Buddhist thought, a wise person adopts a middle way without holding conventions to be ultimate or ignoring them when they are fruitful.
I think you would probably agree...
We (Tim and I) hope you know that we are really enjoying this light bantering back and forth about this topic.
Tim - 1) It was definitely the word that I was repulsed by and not the comment.
ReplyDelete2) 3) 4) I totally know that swell of pride that you must have felt. I don't think that we are as far apart as you may think.
Evelyn - "Growing up mostly in Canada I was always proud that the 'culture' of Canada is a mosaic, one that embraces all different kinds of social groups (along with the tolerance of their unique conventions)." I see a fork in the road here for Canadians. We who think of ourselves as culturally Canadian (admittedly immigrants all) have tried to be a pretty accommodating lot to new cultures and values (I also realize that there are many ugly examples where Canadians have failed on this front) but we were still the "dominant" culture. This is bound to change (and much sooner than most think). We are being out reproduced, often out worked, and more and more often, out educated. I kind of feel like this is do or die time in a way for this culture that we have developed.
"I am not convinced there is a clear enough (or old enough) set of unlegislated Canadian conventions." There's half the problem right there. Canadians (both new and old) take for granted our wonderfully rich and understated culture. We are not loud enough, our brash enough, or maybe quirky enough to stand out as a culturally rich society. We have to come together as a people before our time is up and decide what it is about being us that we want to keep safe for our children and our grandchildren. Without a concerted coordinated effort, I am afraid that we will be swept under the rug by more aggressive and radical cultures in the new global world that we all been inducted into. For me politeness, respect and sustainability are the key stones that will hold a place for our culture and values in the future (even though I admit that this is an idealized version of the way I see my culture).
You are right, of course. I believe that what I am suggesting here falls in line with the Buddhist thought because I am not suggesting that these conventions are the be all and end all of interpersonal interactions. Instead I am suggesting that they are very useful and should be perpetuated instead of being graciously ignored and left behind.
Like you and Tim, I also believe that these sorts of conversations are both enjoyable and necessary. If we walk around foisting our ideals and values upon others without taking some time to reflect on the validity of our convictions, we are doing a disservice to everyone.